Friday, February 17, 2012

MTV's The Challenge: A Quarter Pole Roundtable

by Adam "AJ" Golub

We here at No Hyperbole Allowed have been tracking MTV’s hit sensation "The Challenge" with their 418th installment- Battle of the Exes. This past Wednesday's thrilling episode brings us to the quarter pole of this season, and in recognition of this momentous occasion we have gathered some industry heavyweights and foremost experts, who along with the NHA core brain trust, recently held a hard-hitting Round Table discussion.

AJ Golub: Welcome to the 1st Annual No Hyperbole Allowed Real World/Road Rules Challenge Quarter Pole Round Table! I’m your host AJ Golub, alongside the NHA editorial team, please join me in welcoming Grantland editor-in-chief and MTV Challenge connoisseur, the Sports Guy - Bill Simmons!

Bill Simmons: Hey AJ, you stole my column idea! Remember my Atrocious GM Summit?

AJ: Remember who won the Super Bowl! To the victory goes the spoils. Next to Bill on my right, the Pope of New York Sports Talk, Mike Francesa!

Francesa: Waitasekend. Waitasekend. Waitasekend. Waitasekend. Who booked me for dis? I have 2 numbah one shows, ok.

Golub: Yes, great to have you too, Mike.

Francesa: Who are you again?

AJ: Remember? Adam from Brooklyn?

Francesa: Next callah!

AJ: And flanking Mike to the right, its such a privilege to have this person with us, 17 time Oscar nominee Meryl Streep. Meryl, I speak for everyone here when I say its an absolute honor for you to join this round table.

Meryl: Yes Adam, I’m having a marvelous time with this bunch. Just smashing.

DJ Pauly D: Meryl, I just wanna say, you in The Iron Lady, yo, you killed it Meryl.

Meryl: Why thank you, DJ Pauly D. It was a rare challenge to portray such a bold and powerful woman like Margaret Thatcher. I must admit, I’m quite the fan of yours as well.

Pauly: You DT...?

AJ: Excuse me Pauly. Meryl, why don’t you tell us a little bit more about what brings you here tonight.

Meryl: Well, Paramount has commissioned a script for a cinematic portrayal of The Challenge where I will be portraying the veteran combatant Wesley. Quite a dichotomous character with the bravado he shows in battle and the chivalrous manner by which he addresses his lady.

AJ: I'm sure you will be excellent. And closing out the round table, we have a man who is no stranger to MTV reality programming… From the smash hit Jersey Shore, we have DJ Pauly D!

Pauly D: Yeaaa Buddy!

AJ: We're all here to discuss America’s Fifth Major Sport, MTV's The Challenge.

Colin: I thought we were going to be talking about Tiger Woods and his Sunday shortcomings. Otherwise, it's nap time!

Francesa: What is dis guy talking about? I thought we wuz here to talk about this Lin kid.

Rich: Quiet you dinosaur! You're not even worthy of five minutes on the podcast!

AJ: Everyone relax. Pauly D, tell us what you like about the Challenge.

Pauly D: A couple of those guys are some old school guidos, my dude. Kids are definitely getting their GTL in early. YEAAAAA BUDDY!

AJ: What I want to talk about is who the panelists feel is the strongest team left at this point in the season. Meryl, I know your research hit a snag with the early departure of Wes, but who has impressed you thus far?

Meryl: Mark truly has the physique of an Adonis, but the social shortcomings of Robin were truly exposed this week. The inability of this young woman to adapt to her environment may be the proverbial fly in the ointment for that team. Adam I must tell you, I am enraptured by the sheer masculinity of CT. And, oh, so vulnerable he is.

Simmons: Meryl Streep knows her Challenge, guys. The show would not be the same without CT, and when he was disqualified in the first episode in both 'The Inferno' and 'The Duel 2' for punching fellow castmates, those seasons clearly floundered. The dynamic between CT and his ex-fiancee Diem is the key to this season’s final challenge at this point. I’d put them as the prohibitive favorites in Vegas right now. All things being equal, no Challenge cast members except Derek McCray, Darrell Taylor and maybe Kenny Santucci have a chance to beat CT in an elimination round, and all three have been on the shelf for the season.

AJ: So Bill, what makes you so sure there isn’t a curveball coming? The producers have been shifting the game the last few seasons with off-site challenges and location changes. They’ve been teasing a challenge on an icy mountain far from the Dominican. On top of that, Ty and Emily have gained a lot of momentum and respect in the room the last few weeks. I’d say there are a few teams with a legitimate shot right now.

Meryl: Yes… I do love that Johnny Bananas.

Simmons: Have you been paying attention to these games? Ty and Emily are a flash in the pan. CT has demonstrated success over the course of a decade when he’s got his head on straight. Check the numbers. This guy has made it to 4 final challenges. He’s an unparalleled force in this competition. I thought if you could put this panel together and steal my whole shtick you’d be smart enough to recognize what you’re watching.

Pauly D: This one is gunna fight this one! I'm getting my popcorn ready! Yeaaaaaa Buddy!!!

AJ: When was the last time you were right about anything? You're washed up! Why don't you just write 36,000 words on Drew Gooden’s career, or a mailbag about a mailbag, or relive an NBA All-Star game from 25 years ago.

Francesa: Waitasekend. Waitasekend. WHO AHR YOU CALLIN WASHED OUT! I HAVE 2 NUMBA ONE SHOWS FOR 30 YEARS. CHECK THE RATINGS, OK!

Pauly D: Stalker Alert!!! SPORTS GUY PROBLEMS!!!

Colin: This infighting is worse than the Republican debates!

Rich: NHA is not liable for any personal injury suffered while....

What transpired next has been deemed unprintable within the family friendly confines of No Hyperbole Allowed and thusly stricken from the record of the transcript. We’d like to thank our very distinguished panel and to Meryl especially, we’d like to wish you nothing but the best and look forward to your soon to be Academy Award nominated performance as Wes. We encourage you all to keep watching and keep score with us at home as we continue to churn out absurdly corny columns week in week out. Until next week!

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